hey, my love. paint a picture of me with you, just the both of us. you're all i needed and ever wanted.
it's the end of march, i'm still not getting the vibe. leaving in a trance always unsure of my future now, i don't know what i'd be waking up to tomorrow. because tomorrow might bring more troubles even as optimistic as i try to be.
a picture tells a thousand words. i look at our picture and i see a lifetime of blissful happiness but then again... ohwell! you can never hide love.
ohwell, i haven't been keeping up with my regular blogging this few days. watched 300(m18) on thursday with YC. know how we got in? don't tell you. x) watched mr.bean holiday the next day with red. freaking dumb show, almost fell off my seat. right, i watched this 2 movies at the same cinema please!! LOL! x)) i had a really rough night, couldn't get to sleep and my mind is filled up with thoughts; full of you. suddenly had the urge of going on one of this, maybe when the singapore one is ready i'd get to relieve my urge. afterall it'd be the biggest for a few months until japan finish constructing theirs. OHWELL!
going through a tough time now, my love, my family... saying of the day, it really works. proven by me and jiawei. if you're down and whatever you do seems not helpful for you to move on, distract yourself with something disgusting. something disgusting? i'd leave that up to your vast imagination.
good news or bad news? bad news first, i promised myself that this blog would not be filled with my angst;so hopefully the good news at the end would deter your feelings after reading.
i found the love of my life, surely it doesn't sound like bad news to you right? yeah, it's not bad news. what's bad is that the person is gone, it's over. i only have myself to blame, because from a blossom relationship i made the person i love the most lose faith, lose trust, lose hope. something i've never gotten a chance to say back in those days, "yes, you're good enough for me, you're everything i need and ever wanted. i love you." after you left, a huge hole was left in my heart, my world collapsed and i was devastated. picked myself up, started from scratch again but good things never seems to go my way. i feel that god is picking on me, is this some test? i don't know already! because i'm suffering blow after blow. just when i was back on my feet another blow comes unnoticed, it as if i was on this rollercoaster ride and just as i thought it was about to end it continues. i was talking about my family issues in a previous post recently, yes, it has taken a toll for the worst because it can't get any worse. seems like a divorce is inevitable now, actually is has already took place. i should really get my act together. i know it's just losing someone important in your life and people would say that in time i'd get over it but do i? the emotional trauma is way too big for me to handle, seeing my dad in bed with another wonman and having to face him like i don't know a thing, pretending that he's being the correct rolemodel for me; when he's actually having another family outside. there is so much hate in me that i don't know how to exhaust all this. i don't know how to react cause friends know me as a cheerful happy-go-lucky guy and always there to brighten up people day but they don't know that i'm actually someone who is so complicated. sad has taken a new meaning to me, being sad is outdated to me, if i were to be sad there would be too much for me to be sad about and i'd never be happy ever again. so i'd choose to be happy regardless; but some side effects are unavoidable. i know some people out there have something agaisnt me, dislike me or even hate me, treating me like some enemy/freak. those that do so would be gloating and partying over my dismay. i know i offend people easily but sometime they wouldn't see the good that is in me. i'm still hanging on, i'd hang on as long as i'm still alive, i'd continue to spread joy and be happy regardless of my health. i'd cherish every moment of what i'm left with. close friends ask me, why do you still wear that ring? let me answer that, because as long as i'm wearing, it i'd be reminded of that love and it gives me the strength to do what i'm unable to; and it's the only thing in the world that would make me feel that you're still here with me. enough of bad news. okay, don't feel sorry for me. i'm fine. x))
some good news, at least there's still people who loves me and care for me. people like, emily you're my emotional support, dearest cousin. ling and xian i know you both will keep me in your prayers. love! jiawei you're the bestest friend i have. ansley you're the most bimbo best friend i have. and so many more...
went to the reservoir today with my uncle's family, it may be the only place i'd ever get to feel family love. okay, ernest smiles even if he's sad because a smile is what people wants to see, a smile is what would make the darkest times bright. x))
alright some pictures to lighten everything up,
my eighteen birthday might be the last one i get to celebrate with my own family.
you sang your heart out and i felt it alright. maybe saying is not enough but you will never see the tears i dropped. _______________________________________________________________
ernest is happy today, saw jiawei and ansley after so loooooooooooong. i love the lollipops la.
SENTOSA! with nicholas and yani. x)) so much fun i tell you, we kinda got tired, so we rested for awhile and boredom started to sink in, BUT thanks to this wonderful group of clowns, entertaining the shit out of me la! seriously i have never seen anything so funny in my life before. ohwell, the clowns are actually this group of malays ; they are like the dumbest piece of shits left in the entire universe. they can climb the trees like some monkey(attempted to get a coconut, FOR REAL!) sing and play the guitar, exceptionally talented for houseflies. trying to surf when the tide is low, okay even if it's high tide, does singapore have that kind of wave for you to surf on? no. plus, they're 'surfing' agaisnt the wave. ultimate DOTS! very funny nevertheless! give you 10 for effort. x))) resting and looking at those dumbfucks making a fool out of themselves made me think of redang. THE CLEAR CLEAR WATER and those WONDERFUL MARINE LIFE, the beach SPARKLING CLEAN SAND! gosh, i'm going to have orgasm just thinking. haiya, somebody wants to go BATAM WHAT! eyes are like watery already, have to wait until SEPTEMBER then REDANG HERE I COME. i'd take the speedboat! x))) EMILY you have to come back early, we have to go during august cause the long wait will do me in! okay next topic, what is kind of a spoil mood is that there was very little sun espescially in the afternoon. wth! when we showered and make nice, the sun suddenly decided to say come out and say hello. nevermind, let's take some pictures!
i know you're meant for me because; for longer than forever i'll hold you in my heart, it's almost like you're here with me although we're far apart. for longer than forever as constant as a star, i close my eyes and i am where you are. we share an unshakable bond, destined to last for a lifetime and beyond. for longer than forever i swear that i'd be true, i made an everlasting vow to find my way to you. for longer than forever like no love ever known, and with your love i'll never be alone.
yes we are, if only you feel this way. x) i feel you even when i close my eyes, truely enough.
Standing at the back door she tried to make it fast One tear hit the hardwood, it fell like broken glass She said sometimes love slips away And you just can't get it back lets face it For one split second she almost turned around But that would be like pouring raindrops back into a cloud So she took another step and said I see the way out and i'm gonna take it
I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting To wake up one day and find That i let all of these years go by wasted
Another glass of whiskey, but it still don't kill the pain He stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain He said it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday Gotta face it
i don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting To wake up one day and find That i let all of these years go by wasted I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing The still of the morning, the color of the night I ain't spending no more time wasted
She kept driving along til the moon and the sun Were floating side by side He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear For the first time in a while
i went to the same place, walked the same route. every little thing, bits and pieces of it started to come back to me as i walked down memory lane. took that same bus i did the other day, many commotion was on the bus but i blanked out, with you only in my mind.
one thing was missing from today, maybe i need a hug, maybe i need a kiss, maybe i need you.
i went out with my mummy today. i can always count on her because she's always there when i need her. (: i must thank yokechongfor putting my aeroplane. _l_ ohwell, talking to my mom really made me feel a whole lot lighter (in the heart) because she has been through more than me and the amount of pain she had withstand is unbelievable. i seldom talk about my family but truth is the situation is really bad. how many of you out there can understand? not many. people try to help by keeping the family together but they don't know it's beyond repairs now, by keeping it together it would only cause more damage. so i beg him, if he want to help ; take me away. i know it's selfish to leave my mommy behind but i don't want to be a burden to her. okay, enough said. x))
TAG REPLIES: emily, so you want 3 uncles to email you? tell him yourself please and i'm not some parrot okay. anyway, your blog is done, get it from me.
people always says, there's a difference between what you want and what you need. is there? what if there's something, i mean someone i need and i want to be with? hmmm, perhaps i would never get the point, never will get the point of 'it's over'. never had i felt this way before, surely you can feel this conviction of my love ; i'm not going anyway, staying put for good.
okay, i know there is this recent trend of mine 'not replying to tags'. yeah but good or bad, ernest would appreciate it as long as it genuine. x)) TAGS REPLIES: emily, you're asking the wrong person girl. you should be sending an email to thirdaunt saying you want the pictures and i'd guarantee you that there's only her face in it. jiawei, i'm almost giving up on going redang. hmmm, maybe the timing is not right? and besides being so disliked by someone kinda made me do alot of self-reflecting. maybe we wait till september again? garmeng, you're still treating me meh? on lorh! i want the 20bucks chicken rice.
listen, to the song here in my heart. a melody i've start but can't complete. listen, to the sound from deep within. it's only beginning to find release. the time has come for my dreams to be heard. they will not be pushed aside and turned. into your own, all because you won't listen.
listen, I am alone at a crossroads. i'm not at home, in my own home. and I tried and tried to say what's on my mind, you should have known. now I'm done believing you, you don't know what I'm feeling. i'm more than what, you made of me. i followed the voice you gave to me. but now i've got to find, my own.
you should have listened. there is someone here inside, someone i thought had died so long ago. i'm free now and my dreams are heard. they will not be pushed aside on words. into your arms all cause you won't listen.
i don't know where i belong but i'll be moving on. if you don't, If you won't, lsiten. to the song here in my heart. a melody i've start but I will complete. now i'm done believing you, you dont know what i'm feeling. i'm more than what, you made of me i followed the voice, you think you gave to me. but now i've got to find, my own, my own.
no matter how much of my life has changed. i still picture myself sitting there alone, because i know that ; that one special place is already taken, taken by you. i don't know how long more would i continue to feel this way, i hate myself for trying so hard to move on, the harder i tried the more painful it gets but how different would it be if i were to stay behind unnoticed?
true love is your soul recognition of it's counter point and another.
serious in intention,purpose or effort and sincerly zealous.
show me depth in sincerity or feelings.
i'm seriously important, demanding and need your attention.
define ernest if you can.
